The tree

The trees are green like every year
They don't quake or shrivel in fear
When a man with a blade comes to take them down
They stay where they are in the solid ground

They can't run or scream or try to hide
They can't do anything to make sure they survive.
They just stand up straight, chest up high,
Not letting fear show in its invisible eyes

But no matter what, the blade will swing
And crunch away at the tree's inner beam
Of glory, of pride, of strength, of life
No remorse to the man who holds the knife.

The tree cracks, under loss of balance
Starts to sway, like almost in a trance
"How could I fall?" the tree will think
"I thought I would stand forever, not sink."

Down, down, down, the tree cascades
It's last show of power in the leafy shades.
It lands with a boom, so full and strong
But not too long 'til the sound is gone

The tree slowly but surely starts to die
It's eyes forever looking at the sky.
It's mind trying to comprehend
What had happened that made his life end.

My talk with God

I know you're always there and you always care

But I have a request.

I'm not the best at thinking sanely.

But don't blame me.

I have issues that no one knows about.

All day long my brain's overflowed with doubt

and I can't stop what goes in

,"You're fat, you're stupid, you will never be thin...

God isn't there, he doesn't care."

Every minute, every hour of everyday.

I pray and pray, but it stays the same.

I go to the computer to ease my pain.

Let my mind sink into thoughtlessness.

I stare and click on videos.

I see how many friends I have.

Who left a message today?

It takes me a while to see

I haven't left my room to be

with my mom who loves me

with my friends who wonder

what's wrong with me.

....

What's wrong with me?

My heart doesn't sing as it used to do

to you.

It doesn't smile as I look into the

cloudy sky.

It cries as I walk with

an expressionless face.

...

I don't know who you are.

So how am I supposed to know

who I am?

The loneliness aches me.

The thoughts plague me.

The day passes by without a flinch.

I don't want to move an inch.

I fall on the floor and there is no one.....

no one......

no one there to help me up.

I just lay there,

my face in the carpet,

dirt in my hair,

not wanting to move.

I don't cry

on the outside.

I don't breathe

on the inside.

So no one notices.

The great charade.

But....

even though I don't really want to live,

I know in my inner soul.

I belong to someone.

I'm not alone.

I can't do anything to end this life,

for if I do

that person and me would be away for all time.

God, Jesus, Savior,....

Why do you have to be so high and unreachable?

I can't get out of this endless trouble.

I miss you like crazy and I want you daily,

But I'm so broken.

Jesus, where did you go?

Where did I go?

youtube

I have been searching for a job for a long time now, and still no avail. I know that in a recession, it's the hardest for youth to get jobs for lack of job experience.

But I feel like I have some! Ya know, helping out the school library and putting books away and going on youtube for hours at a time.....

Ya the last one is a killer. Who knew that this website would be the death to my time.

I especially am addicted to let's play video.

It is in all seriousness, you are watching someone play a video game. You don't see the person. All you see is the game and you are not even playing it.

It sounds insanely stupid, but I can't stop watching them.

They have made me become a hermit. :(

I need a life seriously or I might explode all over the walls.

I don't even know

So I'm sitting in the Puyallup Starbucks, drinking a new beverage I haven't tried before...a hazelnut mocha...and I'm just sitting thinking about life.

It's so easy to criticize myself on anything and extremely difficult to comment on my abilities as good.

Sometimes, I think that thinking really deep alot is a down fall. I'm always the party pooper and I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

But, I also like the fact that I think deeply.

It means that I care. :)

I don't make sense a lot, but it gives my mind a work out.

God blessed me with a wonky mind, but I know that one day it will come to good use.

JSB

I guess I should add another blog, eh?

Eh, ok.

So....prom....

It happened at my school like most schools, except my school is indeed Christian, so we called our "prom" the Junior Senior Banquet, AKA JSB. (Long sentence, I know)

So ya. The things that were different about it this year was

a) I could actually go, since I am a Junior

b) I, yes I, actually ASKED my date to go with me.

Yes. Somehow I managed to muster up some pretty darn amazing courage for me, oh so insecure me, to ask the guy I have had a crush on for quite some time to go to JSB with me.

Over Facebook. (Fail)

Hey, this is my first dance EVER that I have EVER gone to. I'm not used to this whole thing.

Anyways, he said yes, and so began the epic preparing for the special night. I got a pretty, flowy, red gown (I would say regal) and I literally practiced walking in heels for weeks because I have NEVER worn heels anywhere before that night.

Then came the night. I was so worried that it would be awkward in some way, like I couldn't find anything to say, there would be lots of awkward silences, he will have a horrible time being shy and not knowing anybody.

Surprisingly, for two socially awkward people, we did alright!

I actually had more fun just spending time talking with him. The guy is funny. We got to walk around (FYI, JSB was at a History Museum so they let us walk through the exhibits. Be jealous) and stare at stuff. It was awesome.

Then. Came. The. Pictures.

The guy taking the pics was like asking us to move as close as we could possibly get and at one point we actually had to make some body intact. He put his arm around me and I just leaned my head on my shoulder.

We just stood there, smiling, while the indignant photographer took our awkward picture.

At one point, I swore I heard my date snort through his smile. It let me know I wasn't the only one feeling awkward.

We didn't dance, because of lack of ability and the night ended with me getting lost multiple times trying to take him home. We stopped at my house and played card games with my family in our fancy attire. (In which he beat me. :( )

I then drove him home, walked him inside, and......

......nothing. said goodnight and drove off.

Ya not really the dramatic ending like you see in movies.

So I guess this was my first "date" if you want to call it that.

I just hope I get to do more of these in the future. He had fun. I had fun. The night was a success. :)

Sitting outside of class...

I think of all changes I've gone through, especially in the last year.

I am more confident in myself. I used to be shy and very introverted and felt socially awkward no matter WHO I was around. Now, I know how to keep my own in a conversation and can talk with people I usually don't talk to.

I'm more brave. I asked someone to a dance, (which I would NEVER have done a year ago) and I'm not top nervous.

I got a haircut.......

Ok thats not really deep or anything, but it is a change. (P.S. I got bangs)

Why am I so Down? {:(

I have indeed have felt the pangs of loneliness recently. I don't really see my friends very often and I just find myself wasting time doing nothing when I could be doing something productive.

Thats why I'm fat. I do nothing alot and get so lonely I sit with a box of cookies and just EAT THEM. EAT THEM ALL. KILL THE ANIMAL COOKIES!

But then I get more sad because I realize the animal cookies, even though broken and being digested in my stomach are still together with their friends in my stomach.

Curse you animal cookies!

Ever since I heard my Pastor Gordon speak on wisdom and all that it brings (peace, righteousness, riches, favor, happiness) I've been praying for wisdom like crazy.

Well not like crazy, but just more often than I did before.

Ugh. I am sorry if my blog is no longer interesting to read anymore.

Like I said earlier, its like my diary now.

And it does feel good to get it out somewhere.

How to make a paper heart (Good Luck)

I am a beast!! Muhahaha

Ya, I can't believe that I actually stuck to something for sixty posts.

Thats like a first.

Anyways. I would like to talk about Origami.

I know how to make a paper heart. I can teach you too!

1: Get a piece of Printer paper.

2: Grap the bottom of the paper and fold it so it's aligned with the right side, making a big fat triangle with a rectangle on it.

3: Cut off the rectangle (Even though that the rectangle REALLY wants to be a part of the heart, it has to go away. Sorry Rectangle)

4:Open up the paper, it is a square ( :) ) And then, hamburger fold it up and open it. Turn the paper 90 degrees and do the same thing, making a cross in the paper.

5: After opening the paper, fold the bottom edge to the middle crease and KEEP IT THERE

6: Turn the paper over and on both halves of the crease, fold the bottom edge to the middle crease, making two triangles

7: Turn the paper over again. There should be a little pocket on the bottom. :) Go up to the straight edge and fold that edge into the middle crease. Do it to both sides.

8: Take the top two corners of your...contraption and fold the top edges to the middle crease, making two more triangles

9: (Read the big letters) This one's tricky so read well. Take the whole top tip and bring it down to the bottom and DO NOT MAKE A CREASE. Just hold the tip down on the bottom tip, letting the middle stick up

10: So your going to have two little flappy things. Go inside the flappy things and make a crease on the crease inside, which folds the contraption in half, BUT the FLAPPY THINGS are still STICKING OUT.

11: The flappy's should look like little hoods (sort of.) Take the pointy parts in the middle of the "hoods) and fold the middle line onto the crease you made last step ago. (I'm sorry if this is confusing. I just really wanted to do this) This should make two more little triangles.

12: Now take the bottom point of the top half of the "contraption" and lift it up. Inside should be a pocket. Stick the top half and stick it in that pocket all the way til it is flat again.

13: Now go back to the very very top of your "contraption" and take the uppermost corners. The edges that you fold is only about one inch long. you take the little edges and fold them into the bottom-top edges of the little triangles that you made 2 steps ago.

ALMOST DONE

14: I you turn it over, it should practically look like a heart now, except the top points are pointy. So turn it back over and take the top pointy's and fold them down to the first horizontal crease you come to.

Then turn "your contraption" over and.....


WALLLLLLAAAAAAAA!!! It's a heart.

I doubt anyone understood my instructions, sorry about that. I hate it when I want to make something and I can't understand the instructions. So ya, if you just end up with a folded paper of some sort, GOOD JOB!!

It means you tried.

So this is to all the instruction-issued people out there (including me).

Here is just another set of instructions that you prolly won't get. lol Sorry. I just really wanted to do it

Yessss

So I just finished my Spanish class for this quarter and I feel MUY CONTENTA (very happy).

In fact I think I should write a poem on my feelings about it:

Oh Spanish class of mine
It was fun while it lasted
But now you are terminado
My brain is officially blasted

With you, there wasn't many issues
Culture spilling in mi cabeza
No need for crying or tissues
I love the language, yes(a)

So sad that it is over
I will see you again this spring
I'll take off the cover
And soon, I'll learn to sing (in Spanish that is)

Oh clase de espanol, oh clase de espanol
Quiero para tu, hasta cuando despiertas
Entiendo como decir "Hace mucho sol."
Y "Quiero que comas."

Fin.

I have issues

Don't we all.

I am the one with the issues of judgement. Whenever I walk into my high school, I fell like I can't really be who I am, because no one will give me a chance to show them who I really am.

I hate cliques. With a fiery passion.

All they do is hurt, kill, and DESTROY.

But who am I to say. I enjoy my times in my little gatherings of friends as well

Oh Geeze.

Why can't God communicate with us a little better.

I wish I knew what to do, what to say, what to believe. It's so hard sometimes to just get through the day without him.

I have no fancy schmancy words to explain my relationship with him. Point is, He saved me when I was in desperate need of a Savior.

His life is the only life I (try) to live for.

I want to believe fully in His saving grace and that he see's and know's everything and that he will give me wisdom if I ask in faith.

Oh the melancholy that I slump myself into.

All I can do is just....breathe.

And that is so unsettling to me.

The Quarter's almost over!!

Hallelujah!

This quarter has been DEATH!

But I still think that Running Start is the best. You just got to work hard and DO NOT procrastinate. (I'm talking to you, Savanna)

But ya, I feel like falling asleep. Darn you Day light savings!

So much craziness

So ya, recently there has been a major earthquake in Japan along with huge tsunamis and nuclear plants exploding.

Usually things like this that happen don't affect me very much. Like when Haiti was struck, I didn't take it really bad.

But it is COMPLETELY different now.

I have made good friends with three awesome Japanese girls: Haruka, Akiko, and Natsumi.

They are all the sweetest people I have ever met, and they all have amazing qualities to them that make them different.

Over the last couple months as I got to know them, I really bonded with them.

And when I heard about Japan, I couldn't believe it. I thought about all their families and how they were doing.

I thought about what it would be like if I was away from home and I heard that a major earthquake hit my hometown.

So, as a present for them and as a gift to remember me by when they go back, I'm making them all hats. One purple, one brown, and one yellow. (I love the yellow one btw)

If you guys ever read this, Natsumi, Akiko, or Haruka, I love you guys and am constantly praying for ya. God is in control and I hope you get to know him more each day. :)

Day of Rest...or agony

So I've noticed that I have been spending WAY too much time on my laptop and all the different social networks: facebook, vyou, youtube, SOLITAIRE.

It is literally pushing me away from my one true need in life and that is God.

I've become so raptured in thinking "Oh, I wonder if anyone has asked me a question on vyou." and "Oh, I wonder who's on facebook."

So today, I promised God that I would dedicate my whole day to just Him. No vyou, no facebook, no youtube, and yes...no solitaire.

Even as I sit here studying spanish, I can't help thinking, "Oh why don't you just check your facebook. Just check to see if anyone has asked you questions..."

GAHH!!! LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! THIS IS GOD'S DAY!!

It's so hard, and so easy to just give in. But what helps me remember to stay on track is that the more I'm with God the happier and better I do in life. I get nothing done when I'm focused on the social things in life. He makes me happy and He lights my path.

I'm all together a better person when I put all the junk behind me.

Besides, I know that I should rejoice when troubles and temptations are hitting me hard. Sounds SOO cheesy, but I believe it. It strengthens my character, and my character strengthens my hope in salvation.

He alone saves.
He alone is the answer to the world's problems.

So God this day and all the rest are for you. I'm going to fight to keep you in my life.

:)

I see a doggie

right in front of me actually. he's so cute!! or she. its a helper dog and its wearing a pink vest so it could be a girl. anyways, it makes me want to cuddle with a puppy.

So ya, I'm at my college right now, waiting for 45 more minutes til I have to go to the Writing Center to turn in a paper.

This paper has caused me so many issues.

I hate papers.

I used to like them, but this one has planted a boiling hatred inside me so deep for papers that if I never laid eyes on one ever again, I would be as happy as that sleeping dog I'm looking at right now.

Research papers (that's what this one is) are the most worst of all.

I can't put my own ideas or anything of my own. It's all based on other people's research.

They say "no plagerizing" but isn't that what a research paper's all about? Everything that we write we have to prove and cite from another source, no assumptions or opinions allowed.

Ugh. So ya. Don't ever expect me to write a research paper happily because I will mentally spit you and the paper in the face.

I hate papers.

I wish I was that dog. He/she doesn't have to write papers

questions?

So there is this really cool website that is pretty much people leave you questions and you reply with a video response.

I made one only to watch the answers of my favorite bloggers, but now I realize I could totally make one and ask EVERYONE random questions.

I already have 2 followers, ones i don't know.

so ya. Savanna you should make one. it's so fun!

its called vyou.com!

Check ir

So I'm doing something productive today and actually working on my writing plan as I blog to you about doing my writing plan. MULTITASK!

Anyways, hi.

There are the days when I completely feel comfortable with no makeup on and my hair in a messy bun..

It's wierd. When I go to church, I try to look extra adorable, but when I go to school I don't want to put any effort into looking attractive at all.

Well not at all, or else I would just go in my pajamas (Santa pajamas that is).

It's a great fall back on people to care what other people think of them so much that everyday is a competitive fashion show to see who could look the most adult and stylish. (P.S. I can't walk in heels :) )

I think I may have already told you this, but as I read a seventeen magazine, I felt worse and worse and more worse about myself because:
a) I have no money
b) I have no cute clothes
c) I am a fatty

These lies. all planted deceptively from a magazine which I don't think was their intention (well maybe it was. Idk.) and I started believing them.

WHAT A WASTE!!

I get ready in half an hour in the morning and I am proud of it!!

So if you are obsessed about making yourself look pretty and it takes you 2 hours or more to get ready, here are some tips to break the lies over you.

1) Take a shower at night
2) Go through the day with you hair air dried. (aka not blow dried. just do nothing to it.)
3) When you look in the mirror in the morning say "I am beautiful" even you don't believe it
4) put on minimal makeup (aka concealer, one shade of eyeshadow, mascara)
etc..

People don't like fake people. You're amazing and beautiful just the way you are. And don't let anyone bring you down. God has made you special and he loves you.

manana <3

My memoirs.

HA!

I got past fifty blogs.

You know what I think about when I read this? It sounds all depressing and everything, but I write this not really to entertain, but...

at my funeral, these will be my memoirs or something.

I have to write down my thoughts somewhere. If I don't, what remnant will be of me on this earth if I left nothing to read.

Not saying I'm gonna die soon, so don't freak out savanna! :)

Anyways, I was on the worship team on Sunday (doing the synth) and they asked me to sing as I play.

.....

I can't sing. ahhahah. at least I don't think so. But I didn't know how hard it would be to play and sing at the same time.

It's like SUPER.

I couldn't hear myself in the monitor so I very well could've been singing completely off tune or something and I wouldn't have noticed.

I hope I don't become deaf. that would suck. Not downing any deaf people who would ever read my blog. I love you!

But ya, it was hard.

And thats all I have to say about that.

The person I want to be

"Forever is a long time, but I wouldn't mind spending it by your side."

Are there times when you seriously get really....lonely?
The moments when you feel no one really understands you, including yourself.

Ya. :l

So I'm a horrible actor. For me to act like everything's fine, I put on the over crazy side.

I don't really know who I am and what I'm supposed to do. I put myself before others a lot of the time. And I feel my biggest flaw is my mouth; it curses, it demolishes, it lies, it stings.

I'm sorry to have such a sad blog, but I feel like I can't put it anywhere else.

When will I learn? I pray and pray for help that, you know, God will change my heart.

But, it takes forever. It's painful, and it feels like sometimes I just won't make it.

I'm tired of feeling lonely and wallowing in self pity.

Why can't I be the person I want to be. Like Paul says, "I do the things I don't want to do, and I don't do the things I want to do."

I forget where that is, but it's there.

Why can't I be the person I want to be?

Debate or not debate

So today I had to do a group debate in History class. I thought I would be less nervous, but nope.

I had coffee in my stomach and not much food.

AGH!!

I was stuttering soooo bad, and I was like quaking (haha. we're learning about the quakers...they quaked...ya...ok...)

So ya, thats the update, now I'm going to study for the midterm tomorrow. Bye!

Being a girl...

I get very sensetive to people and things happening around me sometimes.

I get insanely nervous about everything and don't think before I say or do things.

I get really mad at myself because I know all my faults and shortcomings too well and feel like no one understands me.

God, I know you have a plan for me and that you love me even though I suck.
But I get so caught up in what I want to look like for the world's sake and not for your sake.

For a girl like me, I had to learn the hard way that peace does not come by my own will. I can't wish bad circumstances out of my head; I can't make anything right by just thinking about something else.

It's hard and useless work to do that, I now realize. The more I try, the more I fall.

The only way peace (the true kind, not the kind that you think you want when in reality all it will bring you is heartbreak and depression) can enter my life is if I COMPLETELY and TOTALLY surrender to my Jesus.

It's very hard. To just trust him for everyday things is probably harder than to go to him when I'm in desperate need.

But by going to him for literally EVERYTHING, I am now more closer to Him. I can talk to him without shame and know that he loves to listen to me and never tires of my prayers.

Try finding that in a guy. haha.

I don't want to rely on myself, for even the little things (because we all can see I'm sorta human), so why not trust in God to help me pass a final? Why not ask for peace and understanding when I sit down and study? Why not pray that I won't be late for school?

It's not laziness, its faith.

So even though I'm a worrywart and am human and am very sensetive at times, he's got my back.

yay!

Love ya!

Hilarious guy at the gym

You know me...

I'm the person that doesn't really judge people (out loud at least), but I'm sorry.

There was this guy at the gym today that almost made me drop my weights just looking at him.

He. was. pathetic.

He stood next to like the manly men lifting their manly weights as he just stretched in his Ole Miss sweatshirt that was two sizes too big for him.

I was with my friend Talia and we saw him and felt pity.

But then when we were doing weights, he went over to the ab machine and put the weights on its heaviest setting and STARTED GOING AT IT!!!

Serious as a pickle, this guy with glasses, pale skin, and scrawny body was lifting those weights like it was his purpose in life.

Me and my friend sorta freak out! We laughed so hard, but he couldn't see us so we were good. The look on his face only made me wonder what he was thinking.

His face was scrunched and his eyes bulging. I imagined him thinking this whole time "One day! One day soon! I'm gonna get a girlfriend! I'm gonna be buff! One day! Girls are gonna love me! Get a girlfriend! One day soon! Gonna get a girlfriend! Work harder! etc..."

I couldn't help but watch him. He kept at it for SO long!! I was dying by the looks on his face.

He probably stayed at that machine for a good five minutes never stopping. That's a loooooooong time!

So if you feel like you have no inspiration to work out, do what this guy did (so I believe. I'm no mindreader)

Think about the future and how buff your gonna be. and the future boyfriend/girlfriend your gonna have.

You'll be amazed at your own power

I love love love love my church!

Today, I was on the worship team and I really loved it. I haven't been on it in a while, and it was on my new year's resolution to be back on it, so TADA! I'm back, yo!

Anyways, I thought that I would make so many mistakes, but it was like a fish to water. I just went up there and sang and played. It was refreshing to refill myself with music!

I love music! It's in my soul, it's in my brain, it's in my heart! It's all around me, and the best way to get to my heart is music.

Seriously, when I start dating, I want a guy thats gonna play me songs!

hahahaha "Play me a song, boy! Or we're through!"

oh ya. haha. But like seriously, I love music. I'm always open to new types of music that my friends recommend. Like the best way for me to get to know someone is to look at the music they listen to. That usually defines who they are in a sense.

Music has a way of hitting straight to the bullseye in people's hearts that nothing else can do. Love it!

But ya, the music I'm listening to now is like a mix of chill with a little rock sprinkled with some classical. oh ya. makes the best cake.

HAhaha. I'm running off of nervous energy from only drinking coffee, so I'm gonna have a sandwich.

byeee

solitare

So the fast is over, its a saturday, and I have NO idea what I want to do right now.

I went on facebook. woo hoo. Its been ages.

But ya, now I'm just all dressed up to go to the gym and then come home, clean the floors and start doing research for my paper.

But ya, QUESTION TIME!!!

So I got a new laptop for Christmas, (its a pc, sucka) and you know on all the new pc's that they have like all these awesome games that normally would cost money but these they give you free trials on all of them?

ITS AWESOME!!

I'm like using up all the free trials I have because these games are so SWEEEET.

I should go work out and get a six pack....

right after I play a game of Solitaire. hehe

bye

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!!!

I know I should be working on my research paper right now, but I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!!!

It already took me forever to just log on to the wireless internet, so now I'm just like "I don't care."

I'm horrible right? Worst procrastinator of all time. But I really really really really really don't want to do it!

This class, I feel, is eating me up! Its history, and my professor makes us take endless upon endless notes and I feel like I can't keep up.

This is when the "small fish in a big pond" mentality kicks in and I'm like "I'm from High school! I DON'T BELONG WITH THESE OLD PEOPLE!"

But then I get relieved when the student next to me says how she doesn't get this class either. I'm not alone in my brain farts.

But ya, sooooo I'm sitting here in the college library, originally planned on doing research, and now it is so striking to me that......

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW! I wasted all my energy trying to figure out how to just get on the internet. ugh.

So class starts in ten minutes, and I believe that this blog was a good, nice, wonderful waste of my time.

Thank you for reading. <3

The Fast. (Sounds ominous)

So my church started this fast that lasts for 21 days.

I decided to fast facebook, which is EXTREMELY difficult because facebook is my life. haha

But it wouldn't be a very successful fast if I just took the easy route, so ya I am fasting something that is actually important to me.

You hear that God? I love you that much!

Ahahaha. Ya, so I at the beginning it was insanely difficult! I didn't know what to do with myself, because whenever I got bored, I would just update my status or just see who's on to chat or just play Hotel City.

But since I couldn't do that, I put more time to my music, and it was surprising how fast God worked on me. Because I had so much more time available, I could be with Him more.

He really opened my eyes on the way I see people and also myself. And also on the way that I treat him. I have become a ton more reliant on Him for my issues instead of just worrying about them. And, they just work themselves out!

Its awesome! Just by turning off the computer, He can talk to me more deeply and I can hear him more clearly.

That poem I wrote earlier was completely from Him. I really take no credit except that the pen happened to be in my hand at that moment that He said it.

I love this! I'm going to keep the TV off even after the fast ends this Sunday.

I'll be able to check my facebook, but I am seriously going to cut back on it, cause I love this closeness too much to just lose it after a month of time with God.

Bye!

Rollercoaster. woo. hoo.

*Sigh*

...

I'm tired. Of course I'm always tired, but I started taking this vitamin that helps me stay awake. Woo hoo.

I know I'm a girl and all (good thing to) and that girls have whirling emotions. But there are days when I really wish that I could stay feeling something for more than 20 minutes before I turn all dull and sad.

GAHG!

Anyways, ya. Yesterday was one of those days that I was like really happy in the morning, the afternoon I got kinda sad, and then at night I slowly declined to a sense of indifference.

THATS THE WORST OF ALL!!!!!!

Guys don't understand. Girls LIVE and BREATH on emotions and when they are just not there, then what do we do?

WE GET DEPRESSED!

Its a vicious cycle and it happens all the time. Thats why we call our friends just to have someone to cry to for absolutely no reason and they understand. That's why we get mad at guys all the time, because guys don't understand.

It's a trick for the dudes, cause you can NEVER know what it's about because we cry for no reason at all except that we just feel the need to.

I don't understand it sometimes, and I get annoyed at some girls for blaming it on the dudes for not understanding when it's not their fault at all.

Girls need to realize that you guys are just not the emotional geniuses that the fairy tales depict you guys as. Sorry about that. That's a lot of RESPONSIBILITY on your shoulders.

I don't know why I write this to guys cause no one reads this blog except my friend (who's a girl) Savanna.

like I said earlier, this has sorta become a diary.

Ya, since I'm still fasting Facebook and TV I might write a second blog about that right after this one cause I got time. hahahaha

bye!

Them (An original poem by me :D)

"Reaching out to them
Feeling your heart for them
They are your lost children,
searching blindly for love and protection

They are vile and gross
They do disgusting things in your eyes.
And yet..
You love them!
With all your being, you love each one.

I can feel a fraction of the burden you carry.
You want to hold your children;
You want to feed your children;
You want to save them from hell,
You are there to break the enemies spell.

But they PUSH,
PUSH,
PUSH you back.
SCREAMING obscenities at your pummeled face!
SPITTING vile words at your pierced feet!

And...
You love them.
You cry for them.

And inside, they cry for you
They just don't know it."

I wrote this waiting outside of my history class. I just finished studying with a fellow student for spanish, and it hit me how the people I never talk to, the people I constantly judge for their actions, that God wanted them.

I really felt a tug on my spirit for them, and prayed as I walked into class. Every person became recognized to me then. I saw everyone as a beloved of God. And I could hardly compose myself. My heart was breaking all over the place, for my friend in the library, for my atheist professor, for my classmates, for the people not in my classes.

I hope this poem will make you open your eyes as it did to mine. Let's see people for who they really are: Beloved Children of the Most high God.

I find it refreshing...

I find it extremely difficult when I am assigned to read a chapter in my history book, and when I read it, I'm am sooo forced into my boredom that I don't recall anything that I read making the whole project futile.

Ooh, the life I have.

But it is refreshing to get kicked out of the living room therefore forcing me to go the confinement of my bed and bedroom, where which I am finishing this blog.

Its nice that no one reads this thing anymore.

Its more like a diary now. hehehehehe

And it is a ton less embarrassing than sitting in front of a camera and making a fool of myself.

Anyways, I just saw "The King's Speech" and I must say that my love for Collin Firth increased by like a billion! I thought that Mr. Darcy was his best role untl this movie came about.

What I find funny also is that Jennifer Ehle, who played Elizabeth in the six hour version (and from what I think, better) of Pride And Prejudice, was in the movie as well. She was a lot older, but it still struck me odd that she wasn't really a main character. It would've been way cute if she played the king's wife, which would all the more make me want to reference that their romance in Pride and Prejudice was most AWESOME!!

Sigh,

Anyway, I got to go to bed to gain some sort of rest before my brain is bombarded with Spanish nouns in the morning.

Manana.

The True Miss America

You know you are meant to be on Miss America if you have:

1. While on Lifeguard duty, saved a child from drowning
2. Delivered 2 litters of puppies.
3. Can yodel through a ventriloquist doll
4. Can use a super-sized bottle of hairspray in one day
5. Wear petroleum jelly on your teeth to keep your smile big
6. Are from Texas
7. Can smile when your rivalry has stolen your lifelong dream.
8. You know how to answer questions without actually answering the questions
9. Long for world peace.
10. Your feet are in a constant arch from walking in heels for so long.

If you qualify for all these, then it is your destiny to become Miss America.
Congratulations. :)

The one thing that gives me hope

Have you ever felt like you just were the worst person to walk this earth?
Well I have. And it's not a pretty road to go down.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always been a compulsive liar. I lied about everything under the sun, but I didn't really feel sorry about it.

Even today, I'm still trying to get over it. I feel like "18" is coming to swift. I don't think I'm ready to be a responsible adult if I have all these unfinished life projects to work out.

Some days I think I'm really smart and cute and funny. But I'm constantly reminded how I'm no better than a person who lies all the time. I say STUPID things, I don't think before I open my mouth, and I'm pretty selfish.

These are the days that I'm like "Ok. God should only allow a max amount of grace to give to me cause I seem to screw EVERYTHING up."

But that's what blows my mind! His mercies are NEW every morning! EVERY single day, He gives me mercy and grace to do things right. I can't wrap my head around it.

That is what gives me hope. I'm no good, except when He has forgiven me and gives me grace to sin no more. I'm no good, but because of his love for me and his mercy for all I can walk in freedom.

I DON'T DESERVE IT!! NO ONE DESERVES IT!
BUT HE GIVES IT FREELY!! To every man who calls on him.

God, I'm learning. I need your grace today. Thank you for being the cushion when I fall. Thank you for giving me second, third, fourth,etc... chances. You've never stopped loving me, even when I gave up on you. Help me to walk in your grace, to go and sin no more. I want no gain from anyone but you. I don't care about anything that people think about me, except what you think about me. Guide me, Father. And help me to forgive myself.