My talk with God

I know you're always there and you always care

But I have a request.

I'm not the best at thinking sanely.

But don't blame me.

I have issues that no one knows about.

All day long my brain's overflowed with doubt

and I can't stop what goes in

,"You're fat, you're stupid, you will never be thin...

God isn't there, he doesn't care."

Every minute, every hour of everyday.

I pray and pray, but it stays the same.

I go to the computer to ease my pain.

Let my mind sink into thoughtlessness.

I stare and click on videos.

I see how many friends I have.

Who left a message today?

It takes me a while to see

I haven't left my room to be

with my mom who loves me

with my friends who wonder

what's wrong with me.

....

What's wrong with me?

My heart doesn't sing as it used to do

to you.

It doesn't smile as I look into the

cloudy sky.

It cries as I walk with

an expressionless face.

...

I don't know who you are.

So how am I supposed to know

who I am?

The loneliness aches me.

The thoughts plague me.

The day passes by without a flinch.

I don't want to move an inch.

I fall on the floor and there is no one.....

no one......

no one there to help me up.

I just lay there,

my face in the carpet,

dirt in my hair,

not wanting to move.

I don't cry

on the outside.

I don't breathe

on the inside.

So no one notices.

The great charade.

But....

even though I don't really want to live,

I know in my inner soul.

I belong to someone.

I'm not alone.

I can't do anything to end this life,

for if I do

that person and me would be away for all time.

God, Jesus, Savior,....

Why do you have to be so high and unreachable?

I can't get out of this endless trouble.

I miss you like crazy and I want you daily,

But I'm so broken.

Jesus, where did you go?

Where did I go?

youtube

I have been searching for a job for a long time now, and still no avail. I know that in a recession, it's the hardest for youth to get jobs for lack of job experience.

But I feel like I have some! Ya know, helping out the school library and putting books away and going on youtube for hours at a time.....

Ya the last one is a killer. Who knew that this website would be the death to my time.

I especially am addicted to let's play video.

It is in all seriousness, you are watching someone play a video game. You don't see the person. All you see is the game and you are not even playing it.

It sounds insanely stupid, but I can't stop watching them.

They have made me become a hermit. :(

I need a life seriously or I might explode all over the walls.

I don't even know

So I'm sitting in the Puyallup Starbucks, drinking a new beverage I haven't tried before...a hazelnut mocha...and I'm just sitting thinking about life.

It's so easy to criticize myself on anything and extremely difficult to comment on my abilities as good.

Sometimes, I think that thinking really deep alot is a down fall. I'm always the party pooper and I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

But, I also like the fact that I think deeply.

It means that I care. :)

I don't make sense a lot, but it gives my mind a work out.

God blessed me with a wonky mind, but I know that one day it will come to good use.

JSB

I guess I should add another blog, eh?

Eh, ok.

So....prom....

It happened at my school like most schools, except my school is indeed Christian, so we called our "prom" the Junior Senior Banquet, AKA JSB. (Long sentence, I know)

So ya. The things that were different about it this year was

a) I could actually go, since I am a Junior

b) I, yes I, actually ASKED my date to go with me.

Yes. Somehow I managed to muster up some pretty darn amazing courage for me, oh so insecure me, to ask the guy I have had a crush on for quite some time to go to JSB with me.

Over Facebook. (Fail)

Hey, this is my first dance EVER that I have EVER gone to. I'm not used to this whole thing.

Anyways, he said yes, and so began the epic preparing for the special night. I got a pretty, flowy, red gown (I would say regal) and I literally practiced walking in heels for weeks because I have NEVER worn heels anywhere before that night.

Then came the night. I was so worried that it would be awkward in some way, like I couldn't find anything to say, there would be lots of awkward silences, he will have a horrible time being shy and not knowing anybody.

Surprisingly, for two socially awkward people, we did alright!

I actually had more fun just spending time talking with him. The guy is funny. We got to walk around (FYI, JSB was at a History Museum so they let us walk through the exhibits. Be jealous) and stare at stuff. It was awesome.

Then. Came. The. Pictures.

The guy taking the pics was like asking us to move as close as we could possibly get and at one point we actually had to make some body intact. He put his arm around me and I just leaned my head on my shoulder.

We just stood there, smiling, while the indignant photographer took our awkward picture.

At one point, I swore I heard my date snort through his smile. It let me know I wasn't the only one feeling awkward.

We didn't dance, because of lack of ability and the night ended with me getting lost multiple times trying to take him home. We stopped at my house and played card games with my family in our fancy attire. (In which he beat me. :( )

I then drove him home, walked him inside, and......

......nothing. said goodnight and drove off.

Ya not really the dramatic ending like you see in movies.

So I guess this was my first "date" if you want to call it that.

I just hope I get to do more of these in the future. He had fun. I had fun. The night was a success. :)