The person I want to be

"Forever is a long time, but I wouldn't mind spending it by your side."

Are there times when you seriously get really....lonely?
The moments when you feel no one really understands you, including yourself.

Ya. :l

So I'm a horrible actor. For me to act like everything's fine, I put on the over crazy side.

I don't really know who I am and what I'm supposed to do. I put myself before others a lot of the time. And I feel my biggest flaw is my mouth; it curses, it demolishes, it lies, it stings.

I'm sorry to have such a sad blog, but I feel like I can't put it anywhere else.

When will I learn? I pray and pray for help that, you know, God will change my heart.

But, it takes forever. It's painful, and it feels like sometimes I just won't make it.

I'm tired of feeling lonely and wallowing in self pity.

Why can't I be the person I want to be. Like Paul says, "I do the things I don't want to do, and I don't do the things I want to do."

I forget where that is, but it's there.

Why can't I be the person I want to be?

Debate or not debate

So today I had to do a group debate in History class. I thought I would be less nervous, but nope.

I had coffee in my stomach and not much food.

AGH!!

I was stuttering soooo bad, and I was like quaking (haha. we're learning about the quakers...they quaked...ya...ok...)

So ya, thats the update, now I'm going to study for the midterm tomorrow. Bye!

Being a girl...

I get very sensetive to people and things happening around me sometimes.

I get insanely nervous about everything and don't think before I say or do things.

I get really mad at myself because I know all my faults and shortcomings too well and feel like no one understands me.

God, I know you have a plan for me and that you love me even though I suck.
But I get so caught up in what I want to look like for the world's sake and not for your sake.

For a girl like me, I had to learn the hard way that peace does not come by my own will. I can't wish bad circumstances out of my head; I can't make anything right by just thinking about something else.

It's hard and useless work to do that, I now realize. The more I try, the more I fall.

The only way peace (the true kind, not the kind that you think you want when in reality all it will bring you is heartbreak and depression) can enter my life is if I COMPLETELY and TOTALLY surrender to my Jesus.

It's very hard. To just trust him for everyday things is probably harder than to go to him when I'm in desperate need.

But by going to him for literally EVERYTHING, I am now more closer to Him. I can talk to him without shame and know that he loves to listen to me and never tires of my prayers.

Try finding that in a guy. haha.

I don't want to rely on myself, for even the little things (because we all can see I'm sorta human), so why not trust in God to help me pass a final? Why not ask for peace and understanding when I sit down and study? Why not pray that I won't be late for school?

It's not laziness, its faith.

So even though I'm a worrywart and am human and am very sensetive at times, he's got my back.

yay!

Love ya!

Hilarious guy at the gym

You know me...

I'm the person that doesn't really judge people (out loud at least), but I'm sorry.

There was this guy at the gym today that almost made me drop my weights just looking at him.

He. was. pathetic.

He stood next to like the manly men lifting their manly weights as he just stretched in his Ole Miss sweatshirt that was two sizes too big for him.

I was with my friend Talia and we saw him and felt pity.

But then when we were doing weights, he went over to the ab machine and put the weights on its heaviest setting and STARTED GOING AT IT!!!

Serious as a pickle, this guy with glasses, pale skin, and scrawny body was lifting those weights like it was his purpose in life.

Me and my friend sorta freak out! We laughed so hard, but he couldn't see us so we were good. The look on his face only made me wonder what he was thinking.

His face was scrunched and his eyes bulging. I imagined him thinking this whole time "One day! One day soon! I'm gonna get a girlfriend! I'm gonna be buff! One day! Girls are gonna love me! Get a girlfriend! One day soon! Gonna get a girlfriend! Work harder! etc..."

I couldn't help but watch him. He kept at it for SO long!! I was dying by the looks on his face.

He probably stayed at that machine for a good five minutes never stopping. That's a loooooooong time!

So if you feel like you have no inspiration to work out, do what this guy did (so I believe. I'm no mindreader)

Think about the future and how buff your gonna be. and the future boyfriend/girlfriend your gonna have.

You'll be amazed at your own power

I love love love love my church!

Today, I was on the worship team and I really loved it. I haven't been on it in a while, and it was on my new year's resolution to be back on it, so TADA! I'm back, yo!

Anyways, I thought that I would make so many mistakes, but it was like a fish to water. I just went up there and sang and played. It was refreshing to refill myself with music!

I love music! It's in my soul, it's in my brain, it's in my heart! It's all around me, and the best way to get to my heart is music.

Seriously, when I start dating, I want a guy thats gonna play me songs!

hahahaha "Play me a song, boy! Or we're through!"

oh ya. haha. But like seriously, I love music. I'm always open to new types of music that my friends recommend. Like the best way for me to get to know someone is to look at the music they listen to. That usually defines who they are in a sense.

Music has a way of hitting straight to the bullseye in people's hearts that nothing else can do. Love it!

But ya, the music I'm listening to now is like a mix of chill with a little rock sprinkled with some classical. oh ya. makes the best cake.

HAhaha. I'm running off of nervous energy from only drinking coffee, so I'm gonna have a sandwich.

byeee

solitare

So the fast is over, its a saturday, and I have NO idea what I want to do right now.

I went on facebook. woo hoo. Its been ages.

But ya, now I'm just all dressed up to go to the gym and then come home, clean the floors and start doing research for my paper.

But ya, QUESTION TIME!!!

So I got a new laptop for Christmas, (its a pc, sucka) and you know on all the new pc's that they have like all these awesome games that normally would cost money but these they give you free trials on all of them?

ITS AWESOME!!

I'm like using up all the free trials I have because these games are so SWEEEET.

I should go work out and get a six pack....

right after I play a game of Solitaire. hehe

bye

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!!!

I know I should be working on my research paper right now, but I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!!!

It already took me forever to just log on to the wireless internet, so now I'm just like "I don't care."

I'm horrible right? Worst procrastinator of all time. But I really really really really really don't want to do it!

This class, I feel, is eating me up! Its history, and my professor makes us take endless upon endless notes and I feel like I can't keep up.

This is when the "small fish in a big pond" mentality kicks in and I'm like "I'm from High school! I DON'T BELONG WITH THESE OLD PEOPLE!"

But then I get relieved when the student next to me says how she doesn't get this class either. I'm not alone in my brain farts.

But ya, sooooo I'm sitting here in the college library, originally planned on doing research, and now it is so striking to me that......

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW! I wasted all my energy trying to figure out how to just get on the internet. ugh.

So class starts in ten minutes, and I believe that this blog was a good, nice, wonderful waste of my time.

Thank you for reading. <3