My Duty

I hate the feeling of helplessness.

I hate the ickiness of politics.

So therefore, I hate politics.

i hate that I can't look at a candidates mouth, either the donkey or the elephant, and actually believe that what they are saying is bonafide and true.

I hate that countries are falling apart.

I hate that when I watch anything about my country that I want to turn it off because the wave of hopelessness that comes from the energy of EVERYTHING just screams at me YOU CAN'T DO ANYTNING!!!

That, though, isn't completely true.

I may not like what I hear, but I'm going to start to hear it. I feel like people, Christians mainly, have separated themselves from politics saying "It's a hell-bent system and ain't nothing but the fire of God can help us now..."

God did not put us here to be naive and to live in little happy bubbles not listening the silent cry our world is screaming out.

So ya. I may not like at all one bit what I hear from the news, politicians, or any other of that....stuff.

But I'm going to start listening.

The deadly virus of doom...

I hate colds. More than I hate fevers, stomach flus, and all other sicknesses.

Because at least when you have a fever, you have a reason to get off work or stay home from school and just sleep all day. There are specific things that people know to do when they have a fever.

Even with barfing. At least after you barf, you feel better. The only way to feel fine before you barf is drink ginger ale or, just barf. And then you can go about your merry way.

But no no no. Not with colds. They're too smart for humans. They are so miniscule on the overall sickness rating, yet so common and numerous in variety that not one person on the history of the world has found a cure.

Leprosy, heck ya it's curable. But wait, you have a cold? Sorry. You're on your own.

I recently have been overtaken by this MONSTROUS DISEASE that still does not qualify me to not go to work and ensicken others.

But I just wanted to go over the stages of colds

Day 1: It's before the cold really kicks in. You slept with your mouth open and breathed in cold air all night to bring that horrible pain that just sits in your throat, just screaming, "Just you wait til the real guy gets here." You feel dizzy and dribbly and just not good, but you have no choice but to continue on with your day (at least it got you out of working out that morning). It continued to bother you everytime you breathed or swallowed. You go to bed hoping it just fades away.

Day 2: Nope. FULL FORCE BABAY!! Scarred throats, blocked nasal passageways for air but a constant river for snot, sneezing every 6 minutes (the number of death) and sounding like a bumblebee is in your brain.

Day 3: look at day 2. Dayquil helped for a couple hours, but still people avoided you like the plague.

Day 4: After drinking massive amounts of tea, water, orange juice, dayquil, nyquil, and alka-seltzer you start to feel a little bit better in the throat, but the nose is still the open rivers of living waters. As you go to work as a cashier where you talk all day, the cough starts to kick in and then all of a sudden, a frog has lodged itself in your throat making you sound like you have been chain-smoking for 30 years.  Customers look at you odd and are very cautious with the reciepts you give them.

And now here I am. Laying with my feet in the air, rasping in my breaths, wondering how many people I have infected today, and knowing there's nothing I nor anyone else can do about it.

Sigh.

Counting your sneezes...

I have this cold that has attacked my face about 2 days ago.

I thought I was invincible, but it only takes a little virus of sore throats and sniffles to humble you down back to your insignificant little human self.

I counted today.

sneezed 23 times.

How sad.

All I do

I got a job. woop de doo.

One of my coworkers, I feel, does not like me.
Don't know why.
I.

Ugh.

I've come to terms with my social awkwardness, how I like who I am with all my quirks and giggles.
But still, I don't like it when I think that someone doesn't like me.

SPAZZ

My poor feet
Sit in defeat,
Swollen as a beet,
But they don't stink! :D

That was terrible.

So ya. What's been recently going on is...my dad bought a house and just moved in. I have yet to sleep over. It can be pretty hard to be with him sometimes.
School is a load. lots and lots of work.

It's hard for me, too, emotionally and, yes, spiritually to go to a school where your views on God are constantly ridiculed by your professors and all realists out there.

I feel like a tiny goldfish in a sea full of sharks.

Doubt rings in my ears, filling me with fear about my tomorrows, about my todays.
"What if God isn't real? Is it all worth it? Look at all the evidence..."
I just want to crash my head through a dead-bolted door on occasions, but days like today stop me.

Today was the day we had baptisms at church during the service. 5 people. There was one lady who when called on stage didn't want to say anything into the mic about the baptism or her testimony. After encouragement from the pastors and the whole congregation, she picked up the mic.

What she said was amazing.

"I grew up an atheist. I tried it for 5 decades and it just didn't work."

Standing O.

God is good. :)

Hey there, you.

Yay! Guess how long it's been...

A thousand years!!

But ya, thought I would just blurt some more stuff on here again like the good ol' days.
I'm now in community college, finally out of the the dreaded monster called high school.

But what's really wierd is that I still see many fellow CCHS students and they talk to me like everything was normal and that they've known me for years...

All the while I'm thinking, "Um...when were we ever friends? You ignored me for 4 years and now....wha?"

Ya, it's really odd how life changes on you like that. I guess it's a good change, but still, gives me random shivers.

Oh ya, thanks for asking about the cats. They are doing quite fantastic actually. Still sniffing and breathing and shedding and all that wonderful jazz.

They are my friends, especially recently, with the lack of a social life. They provide me with ample doses of cuddles and cuteness to keep my life on the smiley side. Of course they still run and hide when I walk through the door.

In their minds, I'm just the crazy, pink monster who squishes them everday and tries to talk in their language all the time.

...I truly wonder what it's like to be a cat. Would I then know "where it's at"?

Haha you get my joke.

So ya. Still breathing and moving and living the best I could.

Still love God, still have questions, but who doesn't, eh?

I hope to continue this bloggy, random, journal thingy that no one reads. It makes my senses wake up a bit, which makes me breath easier knowing I got all my inner guts out somewhere. Thanks for being here computer.

The tree

The trees are green like every year
They don't quake or shrivel in fear
When a man with a blade comes to take them down
They stay where they are in the solid ground

They can't run or scream or try to hide
They can't do anything to make sure they survive.
They just stand up straight, chest up high,
Not letting fear show in its invisible eyes

But no matter what, the blade will swing
And crunch away at the tree's inner beam
Of glory, of pride, of strength, of life
No remorse to the man who holds the knife.

The tree cracks, under loss of balance
Starts to sway, like almost in a trance
"How could I fall?" the tree will think
"I thought I would stand forever, not sink."

Down, down, down, the tree cascades
It's last show of power in the leafy shades.
It lands with a boom, so full and strong
But not too long 'til the sound is gone

The tree slowly but surely starts to die
It's eyes forever looking at the sky.
It's mind trying to comprehend
What had happened that made his life end.

My talk with God

I know you're always there and you always care

But I have a request.

I'm not the best at thinking sanely.

But don't blame me.

I have issues that no one knows about.

All day long my brain's overflowed with doubt

and I can't stop what goes in

,"You're fat, you're stupid, you will never be thin...

God isn't there, he doesn't care."

Every minute, every hour of everyday.

I pray and pray, but it stays the same.

I go to the computer to ease my pain.

Let my mind sink into thoughtlessness.

I stare and click on videos.

I see how many friends I have.

Who left a message today?

It takes me a while to see

I haven't left my room to be

with my mom who loves me

with my friends who wonder

what's wrong with me.

....

What's wrong with me?

My heart doesn't sing as it used to do

to you.

It doesn't smile as I look into the

cloudy sky.

It cries as I walk with

an expressionless face.

...

I don't know who you are.

So how am I supposed to know

who I am?

The loneliness aches me.

The thoughts plague me.

The day passes by without a flinch.

I don't want to move an inch.

I fall on the floor and there is no one.....

no one......

no one there to help me up.

I just lay there,

my face in the carpet,

dirt in my hair,

not wanting to move.

I don't cry

on the outside.

I don't breathe

on the inside.

So no one notices.

The great charade.

But....

even though I don't really want to live,

I know in my inner soul.

I belong to someone.

I'm not alone.

I can't do anything to end this life,

for if I do

that person and me would be away for all time.

God, Jesus, Savior,....

Why do you have to be so high and unreachable?

I can't get out of this endless trouble.

I miss you like crazy and I want you daily,

But I'm so broken.

Jesus, where did you go?

Where did I go?