So...cats

Many, in fact, almost all of the people I have met recently have given me a lot of "hate" for loving my cats so much.

Caleb says it's because he's from Kansas, where cats are mainly feral creatures that you find dead on a highway or snooping around in your garbage.

Everyone else just says, "I'm not a cat person."

And then, like a thumb that lost in a sumo wrestling battle with the car door, there's me, the lover of felines.

And I'm the crazy one!

Ok. OK!! I'll give in that I'm a bit odd, but there's a reason why cats tug on my heart so. Sit down and let me tell ya, ya hear?

When I was little, I got my first pet, a cat.

I loved him. Granted he was evil, but I loved every little evil flee on his back. Plus I was too young to notice.

When I was in 6th grade, we moved. We took Tyler (said cat) with us, but for some reason he was not happy with the new home. He hid behind the washer for hours and hours on end.

I was worried, but there was nothing I could do about it. Mom just told me, "He'll be fine."

Then one day, I came home from school for my mom to tell me, "I'm sorry, but Tyler is missing. He ran out the door and I haven't seen him since."

Devastation. Utter devastation. My heart completely broke. Tyler, my little ball of evil ran away. And I never saw him again.

This is all pre-breakdown, back when I didn't talk much to people. My main love language is physical touch, and Tyler, he was perfect at that. He hated everyone but me. That made me feel special.

Fast-forward to age 16. I've been catless from the day Tyler left, with empty promises from my mom that we would get a new cat for me.

On a Sunday, I snapped and I lost control of reality and long-story short thought the world wasn't real and I wanted to die.

Longer story even shorter, I felt this urgent need to touch everything. That was the only way I knew it was really real. And a lot of the time I just thought about my cat, and how I wish I could hold him.

A woman at my church, out of the blue, came up to my mom and told her "Get your daughter a cat." She was confused why God told her to tell my mom that, but she did.

My mom came home to me crying about how I wish I had a cat to hold in my arms. And then she knew.

TADA!! Pet shopping! We were out to buy me a kitty!

Longest story ever told even shorter, we took home two little baby brother kittens. One siamese (Isaiah) and one super fluffy and white (Claussen).

I have had these cats for about 4 years now.  They have gotten me through a lot of depression and loneliness.

Sorry this story turned into a downer, I just like talking.

Yes, I call them my babies, my angels, my loves, because they are.
They are a gift straight from God.

God knew that I wanted a cat. So what did he do? Tell an elder in my church to tell my mom to buy me a cat.

Yes, they don't come to me when I call or lick my face when I walk through the door. But they always come to me and sit on my belly when I'm in my room crying. They love to get tummy rubs as they sprawl out on the floor. They are particularly fond of hair-brushing sessions, that is when they purr the loudest.

They are a symbol of God's love for me.

That is the main reason I love my cats. Thank you.

The Great Romance

Has God become a fad, where once we have experienced life outside of the "teenage love story with God", that somehow God becomes small, not-important, and dispensable with "real things" like romantic relationships.

Do you not know of the Great Romance? Of the first Romancer?

He is an untamed lion, full of passion and rage and jealousy for his bride.

His love is uncontainable, His heart has no walls.

He was the one who first called you into being, into life.

He breathed your tiny soul into existence, and he formed you so that there never was, never is, and never will be someone exactly like you.

He has fought the devil in a vicious battle of blood and death for the sole purpose that you would not die an eternal death.

He is alive. He is roaring. He is on the prowl.

The demons tremble at the sound of him shaking his majestic mane. They flee at the mere thought of him entering a room.

He stormed the gates of hell, and came alive from death victoriously.

....why?

You.

Why has my beautiful Jesus, my lover, my friend, become so small and describable to his own people?

Beautiful things have no comparison to the one who invented beauty. Who invented love. And who loves you.

The day you were born

The world...oh the world.

Do you know something?

I'm hurting inside, really deep

Now that I probably can't sleep, 

I have to tell you something, oh beautiful world.

Do you remember the day you were born?

The day that your parents and loved ones celebrate 

Because it was the day YOU came.

YOU mean something.

But do YOU remember it?

Of course not, silly question.

You were too young then.

But hear this...it was a beautiful day.

You were made and boom, out you came and put into your mother's arms.

Holding, caressing you.

And your father, gazing in awe at the beauty of such a little version of you.

You were beautiful to them.

But they knew. They knew.

You would grow up, you would find "who you were."

You would do things.

You wouldn't do things.

You would curse, swear, rape, murder, lie, cheat, steal, ignore, forget...

You would do it all.

But your mom still loved you.

Your father still loved you.

They created you.

......they remember the day you were born.

My Duty

I hate the feeling of helplessness.

I hate the ickiness of politics.

So therefore, I hate politics.

i hate that I can't look at a candidates mouth, either the donkey or the elephant, and actually believe that what they are saying is bonafide and true.

I hate that countries are falling apart.

I hate that when I watch anything about my country that I want to turn it off because the wave of hopelessness that comes from the energy of EVERYTHING just screams at me YOU CAN'T DO ANYTNING!!!

That, though, isn't completely true.

I may not like what I hear, but I'm going to start to hear it. I feel like people, Christians mainly, have separated themselves from politics saying "It's a hell-bent system and ain't nothing but the fire of God can help us now..."

God did not put us here to be naive and to live in little happy bubbles not listening the silent cry our world is screaming out.

So ya. I may not like at all one bit what I hear from the news, politicians, or any other of that....stuff.

But I'm going to start listening.

The deadly virus of doom...

I hate colds. More than I hate fevers, stomach flus, and all other sicknesses.

Because at least when you have a fever, you have a reason to get off work or stay home from school and just sleep all day. There are specific things that people know to do when they have a fever.

Even with barfing. At least after you barf, you feel better. The only way to feel fine before you barf is drink ginger ale or, just barf. And then you can go about your merry way.

But no no no. Not with colds. They're too smart for humans. They are so miniscule on the overall sickness rating, yet so common and numerous in variety that not one person on the history of the world has found a cure.

Leprosy, heck ya it's curable. But wait, you have a cold? Sorry. You're on your own.

I recently have been overtaken by this MONSTROUS DISEASE that still does not qualify me to not go to work and ensicken others.

But I just wanted to go over the stages of colds

Day 1: It's before the cold really kicks in. You slept with your mouth open and breathed in cold air all night to bring that horrible pain that just sits in your throat, just screaming, "Just you wait til the real guy gets here." You feel dizzy and dribbly and just not good, but you have no choice but to continue on with your day (at least it got you out of working out that morning). It continued to bother you everytime you breathed or swallowed. You go to bed hoping it just fades away.

Day 2: Nope. FULL FORCE BABAY!! Scarred throats, blocked nasal passageways for air but a constant river for snot, sneezing every 6 minutes (the number of death) and sounding like a bumblebee is in your brain.

Day 3: look at day 2. Dayquil helped for a couple hours, but still people avoided you like the plague.

Day 4: After drinking massive amounts of tea, water, orange juice, dayquil, nyquil, and alka-seltzer you start to feel a little bit better in the throat, but the nose is still the open rivers of living waters. As you go to work as a cashier where you talk all day, the cough starts to kick in and then all of a sudden, a frog has lodged itself in your throat making you sound like you have been chain-smoking for 30 years.  Customers look at you odd and are very cautious with the reciepts you give them.

And now here I am. Laying with my feet in the air, rasping in my breaths, wondering how many people I have infected today, and knowing there's nothing I nor anyone else can do about it.

Sigh.

Counting your sneezes...

I have this cold that has attacked my face about 2 days ago.

I thought I was invincible, but it only takes a little virus of sore throats and sniffles to humble you down back to your insignificant little human self.

I counted today.

sneezed 23 times.

How sad.

All I do

I got a job. woop de doo.

One of my coworkers, I feel, does not like me.
Don't know why.
I.

Ugh.

I've come to terms with my social awkwardness, how I like who I am with all my quirks and giggles.
But still, I don't like it when I think that someone doesn't like me.

SPAZZ

My poor feet
Sit in defeat,
Swollen as a beet,
But they don't stink! :D

That was terrible.

So ya. What's been recently going on is...my dad bought a house and just moved in. I have yet to sleep over. It can be pretty hard to be with him sometimes.
School is a load. lots and lots of work.

It's hard for me, too, emotionally and, yes, spiritually to go to a school where your views on God are constantly ridiculed by your professors and all realists out there.

I feel like a tiny goldfish in a sea full of sharks.

Doubt rings in my ears, filling me with fear about my tomorrows, about my todays.
"What if God isn't real? Is it all worth it? Look at all the evidence..."
I just want to crash my head through a dead-bolted door on occasions, but days like today stop me.

Today was the day we had baptisms at church during the service. 5 people. There was one lady who when called on stage didn't want to say anything into the mic about the baptism or her testimony. After encouragement from the pastors and the whole congregation, she picked up the mic.

What she said was amazing.

"I grew up an atheist. I tried it for 5 decades and it just didn't work."

Standing O.

God is good. :)

Hey there, you.

Yay! Guess how long it's been...

A thousand years!!

But ya, thought I would just blurt some more stuff on here again like the good ol' days.
I'm now in community college, finally out of the the dreaded monster called high school.

But what's really wierd is that I still see many fellow CCHS students and they talk to me like everything was normal and that they've known me for years...

All the while I'm thinking, "Um...when were we ever friends? You ignored me for 4 years and now....wha?"

Ya, it's really odd how life changes on you like that. I guess it's a good change, but still, gives me random shivers.

Oh ya, thanks for asking about the cats. They are doing quite fantastic actually. Still sniffing and breathing and shedding and all that wonderful jazz.

They are my friends, especially recently, with the lack of a social life. They provide me with ample doses of cuddles and cuteness to keep my life on the smiley side. Of course they still run and hide when I walk through the door.

In their minds, I'm just the crazy, pink monster who squishes them everday and tries to talk in their language all the time.

...I truly wonder what it's like to be a cat. Would I then know "where it's at"?

Haha you get my joke.

So ya. Still breathing and moving and living the best I could.

Still love God, still have questions, but who doesn't, eh?

I hope to continue this bloggy, random, journal thingy that no one reads. It makes my senses wake up a bit, which makes me breath easier knowing I got all my inner guts out somewhere. Thanks for being here computer.

The tree

The trees are green like every year
They don't quake or shrivel in fear
When a man with a blade comes to take them down
They stay where they are in the solid ground

They can't run or scream or try to hide
They can't do anything to make sure they survive.
They just stand up straight, chest up high,
Not letting fear show in its invisible eyes

But no matter what, the blade will swing
And crunch away at the tree's inner beam
Of glory, of pride, of strength, of life
No remorse to the man who holds the knife.

The tree cracks, under loss of balance
Starts to sway, like almost in a trance
"How could I fall?" the tree will think
"I thought I would stand forever, not sink."

Down, down, down, the tree cascades
It's last show of power in the leafy shades.
It lands with a boom, so full and strong
But not too long 'til the sound is gone

The tree slowly but surely starts to die
It's eyes forever looking at the sky.
It's mind trying to comprehend
What had happened that made his life end.

My talk with God

I know you're always there and you always care

But I have a request.

I'm not the best at thinking sanely.

But don't blame me.

I have issues that no one knows about.

All day long my brain's overflowed with doubt

and I can't stop what goes in

,"You're fat, you're stupid, you will never be thin...

God isn't there, he doesn't care."

Every minute, every hour of everyday.

I pray and pray, but it stays the same.

I go to the computer to ease my pain.

Let my mind sink into thoughtlessness.

I stare and click on videos.

I see how many friends I have.

Who left a message today?

It takes me a while to see

I haven't left my room to be

with my mom who loves me

with my friends who wonder

what's wrong with me.

....

What's wrong with me?

My heart doesn't sing as it used to do

to you.

It doesn't smile as I look into the

cloudy sky.

It cries as I walk with

an expressionless face.

...

I don't know who you are.

So how am I supposed to know

who I am?

The loneliness aches me.

The thoughts plague me.

The day passes by without a flinch.

I don't want to move an inch.

I fall on the floor and there is no one.....

no one......

no one there to help me up.

I just lay there,

my face in the carpet,

dirt in my hair,

not wanting to move.

I don't cry

on the outside.

I don't breathe

on the inside.

So no one notices.

The great charade.

But....

even though I don't really want to live,

I know in my inner soul.

I belong to someone.

I'm not alone.

I can't do anything to end this life,

for if I do

that person and me would be away for all time.

God, Jesus, Savior,....

Why do you have to be so high and unreachable?

I can't get out of this endless trouble.

I miss you like crazy and I want you daily,

But I'm so broken.

Jesus, where did you go?

Where did I go?

youtube

I have been searching for a job for a long time now, and still no avail. I know that in a recession, it's the hardest for youth to get jobs for lack of job experience.

But I feel like I have some! Ya know, helping out the school library and putting books away and going on youtube for hours at a time.....

Ya the last one is a killer. Who knew that this website would be the death to my time.

I especially am addicted to let's play video.

It is in all seriousness, you are watching someone play a video game. You don't see the person. All you see is the game and you are not even playing it.

It sounds insanely stupid, but I can't stop watching them.

They have made me become a hermit. :(

I need a life seriously or I might explode all over the walls.

I don't even know

So I'm sitting in the Puyallup Starbucks, drinking a new beverage I haven't tried before...a hazelnut mocha...and I'm just sitting thinking about life.

It's so easy to criticize myself on anything and extremely difficult to comment on my abilities as good.

Sometimes, I think that thinking really deep alot is a down fall. I'm always the party pooper and I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

But, I also like the fact that I think deeply.

It means that I care. :)

I don't make sense a lot, but it gives my mind a work out.

God blessed me with a wonky mind, but I know that one day it will come to good use.

JSB

I guess I should add another blog, eh?

Eh, ok.

So....prom....

It happened at my school like most schools, except my school is indeed Christian, so we called our "prom" the Junior Senior Banquet, AKA JSB. (Long sentence, I know)

So ya. The things that were different about it this year was

a) I could actually go, since I am a Junior

b) I, yes I, actually ASKED my date to go with me.

Yes. Somehow I managed to muster up some pretty darn amazing courage for me, oh so insecure me, to ask the guy I have had a crush on for quite some time to go to JSB with me.

Over Facebook. (Fail)

Hey, this is my first dance EVER that I have EVER gone to. I'm not used to this whole thing.

Anyways, he said yes, and so began the epic preparing for the special night. I got a pretty, flowy, red gown (I would say regal) and I literally practiced walking in heels for weeks because I have NEVER worn heels anywhere before that night.

Then came the night. I was so worried that it would be awkward in some way, like I couldn't find anything to say, there would be lots of awkward silences, he will have a horrible time being shy and not knowing anybody.

Surprisingly, for two socially awkward people, we did alright!

I actually had more fun just spending time talking with him. The guy is funny. We got to walk around (FYI, JSB was at a History Museum so they let us walk through the exhibits. Be jealous) and stare at stuff. It was awesome.

Then. Came. The. Pictures.

The guy taking the pics was like asking us to move as close as we could possibly get and at one point we actually had to make some body intact. He put his arm around me and I just leaned my head on my shoulder.

We just stood there, smiling, while the indignant photographer took our awkward picture.

At one point, I swore I heard my date snort through his smile. It let me know I wasn't the only one feeling awkward.

We didn't dance, because of lack of ability and the night ended with me getting lost multiple times trying to take him home. We stopped at my house and played card games with my family in our fancy attire. (In which he beat me. :( )

I then drove him home, walked him inside, and......

......nothing. said goodnight and drove off.

Ya not really the dramatic ending like you see in movies.

So I guess this was my first "date" if you want to call it that.

I just hope I get to do more of these in the future. He had fun. I had fun. The night was a success. :)

Sitting outside of class...

I think of all changes I've gone through, especially in the last year.

I am more confident in myself. I used to be shy and very introverted and felt socially awkward no matter WHO I was around. Now, I know how to keep my own in a conversation and can talk with people I usually don't talk to.

I'm more brave. I asked someone to a dance, (which I would NEVER have done a year ago) and I'm not top nervous.

I got a haircut.......

Ok thats not really deep or anything, but it is a change. (P.S. I got bangs)

Why am I so Down? {:(

I have indeed have felt the pangs of loneliness recently. I don't really see my friends very often and I just find myself wasting time doing nothing when I could be doing something productive.

Thats why I'm fat. I do nothing alot and get so lonely I sit with a box of cookies and just EAT THEM. EAT THEM ALL. KILL THE ANIMAL COOKIES!

But then I get more sad because I realize the animal cookies, even though broken and being digested in my stomach are still together with their friends in my stomach.

Curse you animal cookies!

Ever since I heard my Pastor Gordon speak on wisdom and all that it brings (peace, righteousness, riches, favor, happiness) I've been praying for wisdom like crazy.

Well not like crazy, but just more often than I did before.

Ugh. I am sorry if my blog is no longer interesting to read anymore.

Like I said earlier, its like my diary now.

And it does feel good to get it out somewhere.

How to make a paper heart (Good Luck)

I am a beast!! Muhahaha

Ya, I can't believe that I actually stuck to something for sixty posts.

Thats like a first.

Anyways. I would like to talk about Origami.

I know how to make a paper heart. I can teach you too!

1: Get a piece of Printer paper.

2: Grap the bottom of the paper and fold it so it's aligned with the right side, making a big fat triangle with a rectangle on it.

3: Cut off the rectangle (Even though that the rectangle REALLY wants to be a part of the heart, it has to go away. Sorry Rectangle)

4:Open up the paper, it is a square ( :) ) And then, hamburger fold it up and open it. Turn the paper 90 degrees and do the same thing, making a cross in the paper.

5: After opening the paper, fold the bottom edge to the middle crease and KEEP IT THERE

6: Turn the paper over and on both halves of the crease, fold the bottom edge to the middle crease, making two triangles

7: Turn the paper over again. There should be a little pocket on the bottom. :) Go up to the straight edge and fold that edge into the middle crease. Do it to both sides.

8: Take the top two corners of your...contraption and fold the top edges to the middle crease, making two more triangles

9: (Read the big letters) This one's tricky so read well. Take the whole top tip and bring it down to the bottom and DO NOT MAKE A CREASE. Just hold the tip down on the bottom tip, letting the middle stick up

10: So your going to have two little flappy things. Go inside the flappy things and make a crease on the crease inside, which folds the contraption in half, BUT the FLAPPY THINGS are still STICKING OUT.

11: The flappy's should look like little hoods (sort of.) Take the pointy parts in the middle of the "hoods) and fold the middle line onto the crease you made last step ago. (I'm sorry if this is confusing. I just really wanted to do this) This should make two more little triangles.

12: Now take the bottom point of the top half of the "contraption" and lift it up. Inside should be a pocket. Stick the top half and stick it in that pocket all the way til it is flat again.

13: Now go back to the very very top of your "contraption" and take the uppermost corners. The edges that you fold is only about one inch long. you take the little edges and fold them into the bottom-top edges of the little triangles that you made 2 steps ago.

ALMOST DONE

14: I you turn it over, it should practically look like a heart now, except the top points are pointy. So turn it back over and take the top pointy's and fold them down to the first horizontal crease you come to.

Then turn "your contraption" over and.....


WALLLLLLAAAAAAAA!!! It's a heart.

I doubt anyone understood my instructions, sorry about that. I hate it when I want to make something and I can't understand the instructions. So ya, if you just end up with a folded paper of some sort, GOOD JOB!!

It means you tried.

So this is to all the instruction-issued people out there (including me).

Here is just another set of instructions that you prolly won't get. lol Sorry. I just really wanted to do it

Yessss

So I just finished my Spanish class for this quarter and I feel MUY CONTENTA (very happy).

In fact I think I should write a poem on my feelings about it:

Oh Spanish class of mine
It was fun while it lasted
But now you are terminado
My brain is officially blasted

With you, there wasn't many issues
Culture spilling in mi cabeza
No need for crying or tissues
I love the language, yes(a)

So sad that it is over
I will see you again this spring
I'll take off the cover
And soon, I'll learn to sing (in Spanish that is)

Oh clase de espanol, oh clase de espanol
Quiero para tu, hasta cuando despiertas
Entiendo como decir "Hace mucho sol."
Y "Quiero que comas."

Fin.

I have issues

Don't we all.

I am the one with the issues of judgement. Whenever I walk into my high school, I fell like I can't really be who I am, because no one will give me a chance to show them who I really am.

I hate cliques. With a fiery passion.

All they do is hurt, kill, and DESTROY.

But who am I to say. I enjoy my times in my little gatherings of friends as well

Oh Geeze.

Why can't God communicate with us a little better.

I wish I knew what to do, what to say, what to believe. It's so hard sometimes to just get through the day without him.

I have no fancy schmancy words to explain my relationship with him. Point is, He saved me when I was in desperate need of a Savior.

His life is the only life I (try) to live for.

I want to believe fully in His saving grace and that he see's and know's everything and that he will give me wisdom if I ask in faith.

Oh the melancholy that I slump myself into.

All I can do is just....breathe.

And that is so unsettling to me.

The Quarter's almost over!!

Hallelujah!

This quarter has been DEATH!

But I still think that Running Start is the best. You just got to work hard and DO NOT procrastinate. (I'm talking to you, Savanna)

But ya, I feel like falling asleep. Darn you Day light savings!

So much craziness

So ya, recently there has been a major earthquake in Japan along with huge tsunamis and nuclear plants exploding.

Usually things like this that happen don't affect me very much. Like when Haiti was struck, I didn't take it really bad.

But it is COMPLETELY different now.

I have made good friends with three awesome Japanese girls: Haruka, Akiko, and Natsumi.

They are all the sweetest people I have ever met, and they all have amazing qualities to them that make them different.

Over the last couple months as I got to know them, I really bonded with them.

And when I heard about Japan, I couldn't believe it. I thought about all their families and how they were doing.

I thought about what it would be like if I was away from home and I heard that a major earthquake hit my hometown.

So, as a present for them and as a gift to remember me by when they go back, I'm making them all hats. One purple, one brown, and one yellow. (I love the yellow one btw)

If you guys ever read this, Natsumi, Akiko, or Haruka, I love you guys and am constantly praying for ya. God is in control and I hope you get to know him more each day. :)